diary of a comic

I post a lot of jokes. A lot. Not as many as I used to and I admit the quality vs quantity can sometimes come into question (you only need to follow my #hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hashtag to know that.

Anyway, I had a chat with a few comedians who only tweet jokes recently and the discussion on backing up tweets came up. So I found a way of doing it…

Things you’ll need:

1) An Evernote Account (if you have one, you’ll want a different one… trust me).

2) A Twitter account.

3) An ifitt account.

Before we go any further… all links open in new windows… so no need to worry.

First thing, log into your new Evernote account / Twitter profile. Then go to Tweet2Evernote “recipe”.

They will ask you to give the app the permission to access your tweets / write notes in Evernote. Once you’ve given the app access you can begin tweeting… safe in the knowledge that everything you tweet will get saved to a brand new note (complete with URL and everything). You can chose to include / exclude replies and retweets.

I am still trying to work out how to filter it more so it will only take my tweets with certain hashtags… but still, it’s a start.

“Play from your fucking heart” – Bill Hicks

A quote that sticks with me everyday. I miss that man on an almost daily basis. He knew what he stood for and what he wanted to say. In some ways he was disappointed with the world and stand up in general. He wanted more from this, and so I.

Yesterday I entered a comedy competition against most of my better judgement. I had gone to Brighton for another competition the night before and arrived back quite late on Monday morning. On Tuesday I had to start work early in order to get out in time to perform. Never again will I jump through that many hoops.

The competition itself was well run and everyone there was friendly. I can’t complain from that side.

My annoyance comes from myself more than anything. I am not ready to be a “pro act”. I feel I am making progress, but not there yet. As a result, IF I had got through I wouldn’t have taken the prize. I’d argue a “bootcamp” for comedians is only going to pump out the same generic acts who have a fairly formulaic set that sells to a mass audience. The kind of acts I don’t mind, but wouldn’t pay for.

Having said that, the wide selection and variety of acts they put through was impressive. They obviously wanted something for everyone and would narrow it down by the interests of the general public. As someone who works on the fringe of marketing… that makes sense. As someone who works in social media… I prefer to find a niche and build off it through content and build a loyal base of fans.

Let’s start at the top. I got there at 4.30pm and nearly didn’t get on. A lot of acts got there when the doors opened at 10, and I respect their diligence to the cause. But do you really want a shot at a career because you sat around and happened to be the funniest act to 4 judges on a specific day? I don’t.

At the end they offered everyone a 10-minute spot at the pro club. A spot I don’t intend to take for two reasons: firstly, I didn’t earn it. Sitting in an audience is not the reason I should get booked for (arguably) good rooms. Secondly, it was a consolation prize for a competition that I wouldn’t have wanted to win anyway.

There was no passion or soul in that room. At least, for me, what little their was had been sucked out by the time I arrived. It felt like everyone was just powering through. That’s not why I am in this.

The tiny voice of arrogance and pride made me stay until the end. It would have been nice to get selected (I admit). But that would have been a shallow short-term victory. My feedback was positive, but with a hint of “could try harder”. Which I don’t mind… but I was put into a category with people who had won national competitions and done TV shows or national tours. How was I going to compete?

Recently I’ve been offered some paid spots on the back of Gong Show performances. I turned down money (but will perform) at one and only took petrol from another recent one. Why? Well, it took the pressure off me to perform in a new room at the level that I am at. Also, I wanted a long-term relationship with those promoters, not a quick bit of cash. Most people I try to explain this to don’t understand this. This frustrates me more than anything.

I try my best to actively avoid any “bullshit” I don’t like to watch on the circuit. From tiny things like saying “how are you?” to avoiding topics and gags I think have been overdone or are clichéd.

I am starting to wonder if going “a different route” is going to keep me an open mic act forever. Very few people make it, and even less that aren’t marketable.

Two days ago my dad asked me why I don’t write more “dick jokes”. I showed him 10 I’d written in the last month. He laughed and asked why I never told them. I said too many people do them. He said, but those comics get on TV… As if that’s the reason I am in this. Do I have to pander and go with the “easier” gags to get people to like me? I hope not. I spend hours writing stuff I find slightly different and funny (and I secretly hope people think it is intelligent humour as well).

Sitting through hours of acts (in general not just at the competition) has made me notice the way a lot of acts can seem similar. I am working on a set outlining a “template for a stand up”. I adored anyone who went on stage and did something different. Even if I wouldn’t pay for it, or it wasn’t fully my type of comedy, the fact they broke away from clichéd topics or just did it in a different way made me beam.

I look at my heroes and wonder how many times Emo Philips (for example) felt like this. Wondering if it was enough that he felt what he was doing was funny. How many times did he have to bomb before someone noticed the profitability behind someone who writes at such a beautiful level. How many times Bill Hicks had to put up with audiences who just wanted a cheap jokes and clichéd “off the cuff” comments when he wanted to tell them the truth (I’ve seen the film and know he was frustrated for years). I could go on.

The most annoying thing that happens on a comedy night is when you see an act do “edgy” material just to seem edgy. You can see it in their face… I said something horrible, they laughed. In 5 years I will be Frankie Boyle. Fuck off. If you wrote a good joke you wouldn’t think it’s edgy. You can’t think your own material is edgy by definition.

I can’t outright ask a club promoter if they wouldn’t book an act because they were “different”. This is mainly because they’re out to make a profit and so probably wouldn’t book an act they didn’t think would help bring in the crowd. That’s fair.

So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love writing and performing, but hate a large portion of the comedy nights because I get bored of hearing people tell me where they’re from, or that their parents are from different backgrounds and how that hilariously leads them to something.

Having reread this post a couple of times before posting I know this will insult a few people. In particular people who don’t understand what I am getting at. Mainly people who also haven’t spoken to me for any length of time. These people will be thinking “he’s just bitter about not getting through”. Which misses the point completely. But thanks for reading. I hope my friends (who will most likely be the only ones to read this) will understand what I am getting at.

All I am saying is have more pride in your work. Do what you find funny and (try) not to follow the comedians on TV. They have that market covered. Also, don’t enter a competition that treats you badly, have more respect for your art.

I wish I didn’t care.

“cut out the puns that get groans, tighten the performance and keep doing it. You should go far”

That’s the feedback I got last night after coming 2nd at the Comedy Store Gong Show. This was my 2nd Gong Show. Last month I also got to the final and I’ll be honest, the feeling is much the same.

I didn’t plan on doing the Gong last night. I’ve not seen my best friend in a while due to a self-imposed schedule of gigs and writing. So I thought it would be nice to spend an evening with the guy at what I like to call my “monthly night off” (which feels very much like a postmans holiday for the most part).

I want to say, before I go any further, I am no expert on Gong Shows. I don’t feel qualified to tell anyone how to perform or do their act but I did want to write my thoughts on the process and the night in general.

Unlike most competition I’ve entered I feel I have an unfair disadvantage at this one. I’ve written before about how I hate audience vote competitions for new acts, as I think you should be judged on how funny you are rather than how many friends you can bribe into coming down. The Gong Show is different. This is where you might not even get the 5 minutes you signed up for. The fact I go almost every month I feel help me learn some tiny things about the show that might have helped me. In other competitions you’re up against friends and all they care about is making people laugh rather than entertaining them. The Gong is about both.

Before I say anymore, I want to say: Last night was brutal. Honestly, the audience barely gave anyone a chance. There were some acts I honestly believed should have got through and didn’t.

So for what it is worth he’s my bullet points for Gong Shows. Like I said, not an expert, nor qualified to even write this. But I wanted to get some nagging things off my chest.

1) Start with a joke; don’t say hello / how are you. I never do this in normal sets, but at the Gong you have a maximum of 300 seconds to perform something. Wasting time with pleasantries is all well and good if it is actually part of your act but for most people it can be ditched and switched with something that makes the audience laugh and like you, which buys you time to try something longer (like a story etc).
2) Don’t say your name; again, this is filler. The compere has already said it, it’s not needed unless you have a damn good joke about it.
3) Have a tight 6 minute set ready; I’ve done some “bigger” clubs recently and the main thing you notice is that a tight 5 minute set in a pub will be a tight 8 minute set at The Store. This is because the audience is bigger, more “up for it” and so you need longer breaks for laughter. By having a set that is longer than the time limit ready you don’t waffle and you don’t worry about forgetting stuff because you’re ready to roll with something else if you forget a joke.
4) Show no fear; again, unless you have a damn good joke, don’t say “this is scary” or “give me a minute” etc. they just want to be entertained. Showing no fear also applies to your material. Far too many acts drop jokes or worry about something being “edgy” (you can’t think your own material is edgy but that’s another blog post). Just do what you think is funny.
5) Watch the other acts; if someone has done a joke that’s very close to one of yours, think about dropping / replacing it.
6) Don’t be hack; I think that says it all. Aim higher, especially at a world famous venue. Go with the gold of your gold material. Every month there’s at least one act that does a set which has the easiest joke in the world in it. I’ve been that act. But only on the open circuit.
7) Don’t ignore the hecklers; if someone yells something, you acknowledge it. You lose the audiences faith when you don’t. Believe me, you have the mic, anything you say that’s remotely funny will hit bigger than whatever rubbish they drunkenly said. Just have the courage to think on your feet and don’t just say “fuck off” or “shut up” (unless it’s part of your character).
8) Start strong; go in with your favourite joke. The one that works 9 times out of 10. The one that the audience will be thinking “this is what they’re about, this is the standard I can expect for the next couple of minutes”. This links to points 1 and 2 because by starting with a joke rather than hello you start much stronger. No one remembers if you started with “hello” but everyone remembers the person who (metaphorically) kicked the audience in the dick with an awesome opener.
9) Be different; I gig 3-5 times a week and get bored / fed up / annoyed with seeing 8-10 of the 15 acts doing stuff about clichéd topics. If you do it in a unique way, the subject can be anything. There was one act last night who I loved (his name alludes me) but he did a set about what he hates about his office. Now, I’ve heard at least 200 million acts talk about their job and for the most part I sit their, enjoy it but think “I am unsure I would pay for this”. This guy did it in such a unique way I was entertained, which is key to keeping the audience thinking “where’s he going to go next” rather than “can the compere see the red card I am holding up”.
10) Forget the cards; sounds stupid, but just forget them. If you treat it like a normal gig you’ll enjoy it more but above all you’ll not pander to the 3 audience members who have the power to tell you to get off the stage. This happens all too often.


10.1) If a card goes up, don’t give up. Like a driving test, you wouldn’t stop when you get a minor. You truck on and hope you’ll get back to the test centre (this metaphor has broken down, but you get the jist).

11) Don’t encourage them to clap for you if you get through; this is more a pet peeve of mine. This isn’t “pop stars” or “Britain’s Got The X Factor”. There’s no “sob stories” here. If you get to the end and you’re in the clap off let them decide from your material if you’re funny enough to win. In both my clap offs I just stood there and enjoyed the moment where 200+ people were cheering for me. I didn’t feel the need to encourage it, because (like bringing your friends) it only undermines your set and material which is what is being tested.

So there we go. Eleven things I think about Gong Shows. I am very aware that by blogging this I am putting my neck out. Not only does this add pressure for when I go back (and I will keep going back until I win). But also I’ve said something’s that might annoy / upset people. But that’s life and you can’t worry about offending people when it’s something you feel strongly about (as long as it’s not something stupid like racism).